Relationships Foster Growth

By Wayne Clapp

  The purpose of God’s Word according to II Timothy 3:16 is to instruct us in righteousness. As we follow that instruction… when we comply with that instruction… when we adhere to that instruction… when we obey what God says, happiness becomes a viable option. We often make a distinction between joy and happiness. Joy being an inside job and happiness being dependent upon things going on around us God wants us both joyful and happy.

  When Jesus was teaching his disciples about joy in serving in John 13, he said, “If ye know these things, happy are ye if ye do them.” Our knowledge of the God’s Word and will make happiness a viable option. Our obedience to God’s Word and will provides for it. Once we know God’s will our obedience to it will bring happiness.

  Relationships are not designed to make us happy; they are designed to help us grow up. I’m not saying that our relationships should not provide happiness. Happiness should be a function or result of our obedience to God’s Word and will in developing and maintaining godly relationships. The purpose of relationships is to foster growth; happiness is only a by-product of doing God’s Word and will in our relationships.

  Obedient children are happy children. Things go well for them when they do as God says. The purpose of relationship is not happiness, that a by-product. The purpose of the relationship is growth. The parent’s responsibility is to use the doctrine, reproof and correction of the Word, the instruction in righteousness, to do just that - to instruct them in righteousness, so they can grow up in the truth.

  Parenting is to bring our children up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. The parent/child relationship provides for growth. This growth is rarely, hassle free. Indeed one of the Hebrew words for child rearing is using a whetstone. We train children like we sharpen a knife - by constant rubbing against the whetstone. The friction is necessary to accomplish the task. It is not that it is a harsh or abusive grinding process. It is just a gentle constant repetition that accomplishes what we want.

  When it comes to friendships Proverbs 27:17 says, “Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.” The better and more dear the friendship the greater and dearer the sharpening should be. The more committed the relationship is the more productive it will be to building our character. There is a proverb I love that relates to this. It is: “The time you take to sharpen the axe is never time wasted.” The investment we make in building godly relationship will pay dividends throughout eternity.

  Relationships we jump in and out of rarely provide for grow. We either get what we want from the relationship or we get out. There is little investment and little return. But in committed relationships like marriages, parent/child, brother/sister, and good friends, the commitment and enduring nature of the relationship fosters growth, because we have to grow and change to keep the relationships functioning properly.

  Our relationships test our character in every way. They test our patience, our work ethic, our willingness to forgive, our compassion for others, our tolerance for those different from us, our ability to cooperate, our willingness to sacrifice, etc. Our relationships are the biggest character test in life.

  Yes, God tests us. He never tempts us as James 1:13 says, but He does test us. One difference between a test and a temptation is the motivation behind them. God tests us expecting a positive outcome, and the devil tempts us expecting a negative one. Dokimazõ is the Greek word used of the positive character building tests, and periazõ is the Greek word used of the negative attacks on our character and self-esteem.

  God gives us His Word and provides opportunities to live it. Each opportunity is a test. We just faithfully follow through; we just obey. We do as He asks. We pass the test.

  I like a statement I heard Jimmy Evans make. He said, “With God, you never flunk a test. You just keep taking it until you get it right.” In so many of our relationships we keep going over the same issues time and time again without changing… without growing beyond the difficulties… without passing the test.

  We need to be as relentless as God is. If we pursued Him as He pursues us, our lives would be marvelous. Relationships are God’s primary laboratory for testing how much like Christ we really want to be.

  It’s too easy to see those with whom we have relationships as the source of our discomfort and misery. That’s not the case. More often than not, it’s me O Lord. We chart our course and determine the way in which we go. The Word does teach us that we need to watch over our relationships. The NLT of I Corinthians 15:33 says, "bad company corrupts good character." If we continue relationships that we shouldn’t it will affect our character.

  The Word tells us the way in which we should go, and we simply follow the path it lays out for us. Then, when we come to those forks in the road, we have to make decisions to change to become more like the Christ. We can learn in the laboratory of God’s love to grow to be more patient, more selfless, more forgiving, more forbearing. Or we can remain immature. It’s our choice, so let’s grow up!

  Every time we make positive character changes our relationships take significant steps forward. We’ll never be perfect, but we can be more like Christ every day. We must commit to a lifelong journey to be more like Christ. Perhaps, when we are experiencing problems in our relationships, it may be the Lord dealing with a character issue.

  Let me rephrase my original statement: Before relationships will make you happy, they will make you grow up. It’s time to pass the test and take a step up to happier relationships.

  True friendship has the power to revolutionize lives. Masks come off, conversations get deep, hearts get vulnerable, lives are shared, accountability is invited, tenderness flows, and yes, hurt is more likely. There is risk in relationship, but because of God’s presence and power in our lives it is an acceptable risk. Proverbs 18:24 says that “A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.” We all need friends who will stick when the times get tough.

  Relationships are not primarily designed to make us happy; they are designed to help us grow up. Let’s pass the tests and grow in grace.